


Dirty Little Secrets: Revisited

by firetop



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-06-05
Updated: 2004-06-05
Packaged: 2019-05-15 20:47:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14797700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firetop/pseuds/firetop
Summary: Can Josh just move on? 4th in the series





	Dirty Little Secrets: Revisited

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

**Dirty Little Secrets: Revisited**

**by:** Fire Top

**Character(s):** Josh, Leo, Jed, Sam, Toby  
**Category(s):**  
**Rating: ADULT** (got to keep it consistant)  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own them nor am I making money off of this. The West Wing and its character's belong to Mr. Sorkin, and NBC.  
**Summary:** Can Josh just move on?   
**Author's Note:** I couldn't just leave Josh alone. I couldn't let him get off that easily. Nothing works out that way. So here we have part 4. Part 5? I don't know yet. Probably not. But stories do have a way of writing themselves. So if there is one it will be out eventually. Please send all comments good, bad or otherwise. Yes the e mail has changed�stupid Yahoo. And thank you all for reading this!

 

**Josh's POV**

I really wish Toby would find a way to abolish congress. Life would be so much easier for everyone. I check my mail. I'll look at it after I get comfortable. I still can't believe some of these congress people. Why can't they just agree to something because it is right and good? Why do they need to get something out of it? Jeans and an old tee shirt. I feel better already. 

I look over by my bed. Shit. I forgot. I needed a new bulb for the night light. It's already after nine. I'll just have to sleep with the lamp on and get a bulb tomorrow. I really wish I could get over this fear. I feel very childish. Maybe I'll talk to the psychologist about it at my next appointment.

Let's see the mail. Bill, bill, advertisement, junk, bill, large envelop with no return address on it. I toss the rest on to the table and look at the yellow envelope. It's addressed to my old apartment and was forwarded here. The writing is neat and in purple. It looks familiar but I can't place it. Could it be a love letter?

It's kind of heavy. A love book?

I open it and a bunch of 8x10 glossy black and white photos tumble out.

Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god!

**Toby's POV**

Someone needs to turn off that alarm. It's Saturday morning for crying out loud. I roll over to look at the clock by my bed. 11am. So morning is almost over. Damn ringing isn't stopping. Must be my phone. Guess I missed temple this morning. I try and go once a month. Well I went last week.

"Yeah." I answer my phone.

"Toby, I need your help." Donna's voice sounds panicky.

I grab a pair of pants. "What's wrong?" Donna doesn't normally get panicky. 

"Josh had a 10am meeting in the office today. He never showed for it. I called his apartment and cell there was no answer. I'm at his place now and I'm knocking but there is no answer. I tried my key, but he has the chain on so I know he is in there. I'm scared."

I'm now looking for a shirt to wear. "I'll be right over." I hang up. This can't be good.

My suspicions are confirmed as I get to Josh's place. We weren't surprised when he told us that he moved. He didn't remember what happened there. But I guess subconsciously he did. He had this place a week after he got home. It is similar to his old place. Just a block in the opposite direction. Josh has also turned a bit paranoid in the months following too. 

According to Donna he won't close the door to his office if he is alone. If he is in a meeting he keeps the door open a crack. That is unless one of us is with him. At home he has three different locks on his door. He is also carrying a flashlight in his bag now. The other odd thing is that he seems to have an aversion to Advil. 

I know this because he was sitting in my office and complained about a head ache. I offered him Advil and he said that he'd find some Tylenol instead. It's almost as if his body remembers what happened but it won't tell his brain. 

Donna has the door open. Well as open as it can be with the chain still on. She is calling Josh's name. 

I join Donna in calling Josh's name once or twice. There is still no answer. I look over at Donna. She seems very upset. I look back at the door. Guess I'll owe him a new door. I lift my leg and kick it in.

Uhg. It smells like someone was sick. Donna immediately finds the source in the kitchen. A pool of vomit and urine. This can't be good. "Go find him." Donna says as she grabs the paper towels. 

There are only four places that Josh could be. The bathroom and hall closet is empty. I'm looking around the extra bedroom when Donna yells my name. I run into the kitchen. "What?" She interrupted my search. I really want to find Josh now. 

She doesn't answer me. She just points to the kitchen table. I follow her finger to a large white envelope with purple writing. No, it can't be. I use a paper towel and lift the envelope up. Underneath are pictures.

I feel the world spin and I grab on to the table. "Donna. Call Leo. Tell him what's going on. I'm going to find Josh." I go to Josh's room. 

Are those pictures ever going to stop haunting us? I couldn't sleep for a good week because those pictures haunted me. I still wake up sometimes with nightmares about what Josh went through with that woman. 

I don't bother to call out Josh's name anymore. Now that I know what he is hiding from I don't expect him to answer. That I can say is the only thing I can expect in regards to this situation. I realize that he isn't going to be in plain sight and I start by looking under the bed. 

Nothing but some dust bunnies. I notice the night light that is by the bed. 

Next is the closet. Nothing but a pile of clothing. I shut the light off and the clothing seems to glow. Could he?

I slowly start to remove the clothing from the pile. "Josh?" I call softly. "It's Toby. I need you to answer me. Are you in there?" I uncover most of him. 

He is huddled in the far corner of the closet. Knees to his chest his eyes closed and a flashlight on in a death grip. "Josh. You need to answer me."

He opens his eyes and looks at me. He looks so scared. Like when we first confronted him about this. Could he be remembering all of this now? He moves his finger to his lips. "Shh." He whispers. "Can't let her find me."

"Who Josh?"

"Her. I don't know her name. She hurts me Toby. I'm scared. You gotta leave. She'll hurt you too." 

"Josh, you are safe."

"No, not safe. She can find me. She always finds me. She's gonna know you know and then the press will know. There are pictures. Don't tell CJ."

I take a breath. "Josh. She's gone. I promise you. The only people here are me and Donna. Do you want me to get Donna in here for you?" She's normally a calming figure in Josh's life.

"No. Not Donna. She'll get ideas." He taps his forehead. "Can't trust her."

"Do you trust me?" Let's start basic.

"You're Toby. I can trust you. You won't hurt me."

"Good. I'm going to go and talk to Donna. I'm going to tell her that you aren't here and that she should go home. Then it will just be the two of us. Is that okay?" I have to get him out of the closet. He needs help. The best bet would be to get him to trust me. It will be easier in the long run.

"You won't tell her I'm here?"

"No. It will be our secret. I will even close the door."

Josh seems to think this over before agreeing. I close the door and put a piece of clothing in front of it. This way if Josh bails I'll know right away.

Donna is pacing in the kitchen with the phone to her ear. "He just came back." She says as she passes me the phone. 

"Hello?" I say into the phone.

"Toby. Have you found him?" Leo asks me.

"Yeah. He's hiding in his closet. He's scared. I think he remembers what happened."

"Do you want me to call his therapist? Have him meet you over at Josh's place?"

"No. I'm going to try and take him into the office. It's probably the place that he will feel the safest. I doubt he will come out of the closet otherwise."

"Donna told me about the pictures. She is going to bring them in."

"Good. I'm going to try and get Josh, but Leo, no females. He won't even let me tell Donna where he is. I asked him and he was scared."

"Okay. I'll make sure that the way is clear of females."

"Thanks Leo."

"Take care of our boy."

I calmly explain the situation to Donna. She is more than willing to head in first with the pictures. She says she understands, but I can tell the rejection hurts. Once she is out of the apartment I go back to Josh.

I'm happy to see that he is still in the closet with the flash light on. I get back on the floor to talk to him. I hope I'm doing the right thing. I only studied psychology because I knew it would be helpful in the world of politics. I'm hoping that I can apply it here.

"Josh?" He slowly looks at me. "It's just the two of us now. Why don't you come out of there?"

"Can't. She'll find me. I don't want to be hurt anymore."

"She isn't here Josh. It's just you and me. I promise you."

"No. She will be here soon. She is going to hurt me. She has bad toys. I don't like her toys. They hurt. Spiky hurts the worst."

"Josh, you are safe."

"No, never safe."

Okay, this isn't going according to plan. Step one. I got to get him to trust me. "Josh, do you know who I am?"

"Toby."

"Good. You know I won't hurt you."

"I know. But you aren't her. She is the one who hurts."

"I promise you that she isn't here. And that she won't hurt you. Do you believe me?"

"She can find me here. Please leave me. If she sees you she will hurt you too. I don't want you to be hurt."

Josh is almost hysterical. I think that it's time to move on to Step Two. I got to get him in a safe environment. "So let's go some place that is safe."

"No place is safe. She can find me."

"Josh do you know where you work?"

"The White House."

"Correct. Do you want to go there?"

"Can't she knows I work there. She calls me there, sends me notes."

"We can make sure that she can't get in touch with you. The Secret Service won't let her in the building. We will make sure that you don't get any phone calls or letters without it being screened first. Does that sound okay? Will you go into the office with me?"

"Everyone there will know." Josh starts to cry now. I am really scared. "I can't let them know. If they know she will tell the press. I don't want anyone to know. Please don't tell anyone."

"Okay. I won't tell anyone. We won't even go to your office. We will go to mine. No one will find you in there." Note to self, call Leo, and tell him where we are going to be. "Does that sound okay?"

"She knows my car. She watches for me."

"We'll take mine. We will also pack some clothing and you can change in the lockers downstairs so that you won't have to stay here."

"Yes less time I am here the better. Got to get away." He starts to get up. His clothing is all dirty. 

I put a hand on his knee to stop him. He jerks away. "Pull out some extra clothing. I need to make a phone call."

"You're going to tell her where I am." Josh backs up into the closet again, like a terrified animal.

"No. I'm calling Leo. I think that we need some protection for you. That way she can't get to you. How does that sound. We want to keep you safe." So I'm feeding into his delusion. For now I think that this is the best. At least until a professional can deal with him.

He nods and I call Leo.

**Leo's POV**

This is never going to leave us alone, is it? We will never escape. He will never escape. It will always hang around his neck. Like the Mary Marsh incident, like the shooting, like the press briefing. At least this isn't as public. Although I think that if it was it would have left us alone by now. 

I pick the phone up once again and place a call to the secret service. They promise me two, male guards will be waiting at the door. They will escort Josh and Toby to Toby's office. They will also make sure that there are no females in the corridors. There are two others who are going make the cost is clear for Josh.

I know that I am going out of my way for Josh, but he needs us. Needs me. He has no father left. Even that was public for him. The president and I have been trying to fill that roll for him. But it's hard. There is just something about Josh that makes you want to help him. Something in his eyes. I've known him since before he was born. The death of his sister changed him. But the death of his father had hurt him more.

"Secret is in the building Mr. McGarry. He is being taken down to shower." The secret service man in my office tells me. I look up. There is so much that needs to be done. 

"Tell Toby to call me when he can." The man nods as I pick up my phone. I first call his psychiatrist. I quickly tell him what's going on. He will be here in ten minutes he says. Good. I put my head down on my desk. I'm getting too old for this. But I can't stop now. I need to tell three more people about this latest set back. 

I don't know which one is going to take this worse. Scratch that. I know for sure it will be the man in the next office over. Sam is going to be bad too. I call Donna and have her tell CJ. That saves me one more headache.

Toby's phone call allows me to procrastinate telling the leader of the free world about this. I tell him that Sam still doesn't know. He tells me not to worry. I wish it were that simple.

**Jed's POV** (weren't expecting this one where we?)

Leo looks like shit when he walks into the oval. He doesn't look like this often. But it is scary when he does. It's worse than shit. It looks like he is contemplating, fighting with himself, debating on whether to take a drink or not. 

I hope he doesn't

He slowly walks in. "Are you busy sir?"

"Not at the moment. Is there something I can help you with Leo?" I stand up.

I watch him fall into a chair. I go to sit in the one next to him. "When is your next meeting?"

This is definitely not good news. "Charlie?" I call. He opens the door. "Who do I have next?"

"Nothing. Just have to finish those letters and then you are free." He answers. He glances over at Leo before looking back at me. Charlie is a good kid. And he's smart. He knows that something is wrong. 

"Okay." I dismiss him. Good I can totally focus on Leo at this moment. Once the door is closed I look back at my friend. "What is it Leo?" His head is resting in his hands which are on his knees.

"There were pictures. We told you about the pictures. We thought we got them all." He is talking softly. I have to lean in to hear him. "But there was one other set. I don't know how many more. I don't know how they got to him. Or how she mailed them. It is being looked into."

"Leo." I interrupt. "What pictures? Who mailed them? Who got them?"

He looks up at me. He has tears in his eyes. I've rarely seen this man cry. When he does it scares me. "Josh. That woman. The one who, did the thing." 

No. No no no no no. I will not allow this to happen. No. "Where is he?" I ask. I need to know. Josh is special to me. All my senior staff is special. But Josh was shot because of me. He wasn't with his father when he died because of me. And then that thing with the woman. I knew something wasn't right, but I kept pushing him. Making him continue working. Not giving him the chance to ask for help. Not looking deeper into his problems. I should have brought it up with Leo and Abbey. 

Abbey would have noticed that something was wrong. She still doesn't know what happened. This was one of the few things that I have kept from my wife in all our years of marriage. It didn't feel right at the time. And she was out of the country at the time. But she is here now. And she is going to want to know what's going on. Josh is the son that she never had. 

She always wanted a boy. I just couldn't give her one. So we adopted Sam and Josh. We know that Sam will follow in my foot steps more than Josh will. But Josh is closer to our daughters and that brings him closer to our heart.

"Josh is with Toby now. Josh is showering and then it's to Toby's office. His psychologist is going to be meeting him there soon."

"Who else beside you and Toby know of this?"

"Donna. She is going to tell CJ. I still have to tell Sam. He isn't in today. So I'm going to call him at home."

"Leo. If you want I can call him." I don't want to put anymore on Leo than I have to. I can make a phone call.

"No sir. I can do it. I think that it has to do with me."

"Are you going to be okay?"

"I don't know. I, I have to tell Sam. Make sure Josh and his doctor are okay. Should probably look in on Donna and Toby. There is also how the pictures got to him. I don't know." He puts his head back in his hands.

My friend is falling apart right in front of me. I can't think of anything to do to help him. Help him or Josh. I'm the leader of the free world and I can't help two of my friends. I have never felt so powerless. 

I should tell Abbey about this. I don't think I can keep this quiet. But there are some things that I need to do first. "Leo. I hate to say this but do you think that Josh is going to be able to work?"

"Oh god. I didn't even think of that. I should probably get some one in that office. Need to come up with a reason that he isn't here."

I put a hand on my friends shoulder and he stops rambling. "Don't worry about it. Sam and CJ can work on a statement in regards to Josh. What did we do when Josh was first attacked?"

"Ed and Larry ran the office. With Donna's help of course."

"Then that's what we will do. As for Sam, page him into the office. We can tell him when he gets in. Let's take this one step at a time." I say this for his benefit as much as mine. "I need to tell Abbey what happened. She doesn't know the truth but I have to tell her now. Are you going to be okay? Or should I stay?"

"Go. You are right. Abbey needs to know. I'm going to go and get Sam in here. As well as making sure that CJ is okay. Toby is going to come by when Josh is settled. 

**Sam's POV**

I glance over at Toby. He looks worse than I feel. Dr. Bartlett is cleaning the scratches on his face and neck. At least his nose stopped bleeding. 

I move my line of vision over to where Leo and Josh's psychologist are standing. Donna and CJ are getting us all some coffee. I really want to be over there hearing what's going on but being I can only see out of one eye I'm more than content to stay here.

It's a good thing that I came in when I did. Toby couldn't have handled Josh by himself and I couldn't see anyone else, except maybe on of the guards, help. As it is, Toby and I look like we were just on the loosing end of a bar fight. I thank god that there is no one here today. It has to be a miracle.

I take a deep breath. Oh that hurt a little. I think my breath hitched because Dr. Bartlett just looked back over at me. This is probably what would have happened 8 months ago if Josh was fully functioning when we cornered him in his office. 

Poor Josh. I wonder what's going to happen to him now. He isn't going to be okay to work here anymore. At least not for a while. He didn't even recognize his doctor. His mind was still stuck back eight months ago. I thought that we were done with it. I know the doctor said that this might happen, that he would one day remember what had happened. He wanted to work with Josh on remembering it all. But Leo and Toby thought it was better to leave well enough alone. 

I knew they were wrong. But no one listens to me much here. And now we could have hurt Josh more than we could have helped him. 

"Let me see your chest." The first lady pulls me back to the present. I put the ice pack down and unbutton my shirt. Where did that black and blue mark come from? "You should probably go for some x-rays. Make sure nothing is broken." She is looking at both of us. 

"As soon as we know what's happening with him." Toby motions to his office. His office where Toby and I had to man handle Josh before the psychiatrist decided to sedate him. Josh is currently passed out on Toby's couch.

I look at the first lady. She isn't happy. I can't tell if it's that Toby and I are hurt, that Josh is sedated in the other room, or the whole situation that we lied to her about Josh and his stay in the hospital for a month.

My opinion is that it's all of the above.

It seems that everyone is back. They are converging where we are. I look up at CJ with one eye. She shakes her head as she and Donna hand out the cups. This isn't going to be good. The psychiatrist goes back to Toby's office and closes the door. 

"Josh is going to be taking some personal time. Dr. Sullivan knows of a place out west that might be able to help him with everything. If not everything then to at least deal with some of it. We don't know when he will come back or if he will come back. Dr. Sullivan is making the arrangements now. 

"I'm going to charter a private flight to take Josh out there. He is going with a detail. They are going to keep him sedated during the trip. We aren't to have any contact with Josh. Any contact will be initiated on his end. I will be getting updates everyday.

"Donna, Ed, and Larry are going to run Josh's office again. They did fine the first time and I think that they will do well again. 

"CJ, you Toby and Sam will come up with something to say to the press. They all know that Josh suffers from post traumatic stress disorder. Use that.

"Abbey, how are they?" 

"Toby and Sam should get some x-rays. Just to make sure that there is nothing broken." She is disturbed by this.

I think we all are. I take a look around. Donna looks like she is about to cry. I can see that CJ is trying to think professionally about this but still worrying about Josh. The first lady looks pissed and upset. Leo looks.

I don't know Leo looks like all the wind has been knocked out of him. I stand up and put a hand on his shoulder. "You okay?" I ask.

He shakes his head. "I have to tell the president, then call in Larry and Ed and tell them what's going on. Make sure Josh has nothing too pressing going on." His voice just travels off.

"CJ and I will work on a statement to the press. Then I'll give those two a call and let them know." Donna says giving Leo a hug.

"I'll go with you to talk to my husband." Dr. Bartlett puts a hand on Leo's shoulder as Dr. Sullivan comes back out of the office.

"It's all confirmed. All we have to do is get there. This is where they want us to land if it's possible. They will have an ambulance there waiting for him. I'm going to go and get him settled."

"Let me get the flight taken care of. There will be a detail." Leo walks to the other side to make the phone calls. Dr. Bartlett goes with him for support.

"The facility knows. They are okay with it. They are used to the extra security. They deal with high profile faces all the time." I think this is said to waylay all our fears. "I know that Mr. McGarry told you not to contact Josh while he is away. You can send him letters though. They will be read through first by his doctors to make sure it is okay for him. Don't expect an answer back right away though. The doctors there will keep Mr. McGarry updated on Josh's condition. If you excuse me there are some things that I need to take care of before we go."

I don't like this. Not being in touch with Josh. It doesn't seem right. He needs to know that we are there for him. That we are not forgetting about him. That we don't hate him or that we aren't angry at him. That all we want is to get him better. We tried to explain that to him before he was sedated, but he wasn't very receptive. 

I steel another glance at Toby. This has bothered him too. He doesn't like Josh being out of our line of site. We've kind of formed our own little family here. The president and Leo are our fathers. The senior staff and our assistants, we are all like siblings. It was really hard when Josh was shot. It was a bit harder when Josh was unconscious for that month. This will be almost too hard to bear. We won't be able to talk to him, or visit him when ever we want. All we are going to be able to do is write letters. 

Before I know it there are tears in my eyes and CJ has me in a hug. Toby and Donna come over to join us. 

A hand rests on my shoulder and squeezes it. I know that grip. I look up as does the rest of the circle the four of us are in. "They are taking Josh if you want to say good bye." The president says. 

We turn around to see Josh strapped in a wheel chair. His head has fallen forward and there is drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. I kneel down by the chair. "Hang in there Josh." I hug him as tears start to fall down my cheeks again. 

I watch as the rest of the family says some parting words to Josh's lifeless form. Even the president kisses his forehead. 

Dr. Sullivan starts to wheel him out to one of the side exits. One that no press would be at. Unconsciously we all follow. We stand outside as the secret service load Josh into the waiting car. 

The closing of the door makes me jump. How come this all seems so final? Will I ever see Josh again? If I do will it be the same Josh? Probably not. There goes my best friend and there is nothing that I can do for him. He is hurt and scared and I am stuck here. This is just like last time. I don't like this feeling of helplessness.

I'm still standing there after the car pulls away. Toby puts a hand on my shoulder. "CJ and Donna are going to take us to the hospital. We can discuss the statement on the way." He leads me away from the driveway and from what might be my last memory of Joshua Lyman.

  



End file.
